One of the most Googled questions in relationships is:
"How often should we be having sex?"
It’s a question that can stir up anxiety, shame, or self-doubt- especially in long-term relationships, where the heat and spontaneity of the early days often gives way to... well, laundry, life admin, and a deeply familiar kind of intimacy that’s not always fuelled by lust.
So let’s get something out of the way early:
There’s no “normal” when it comes to sex frequency.
But there is a whole lot of unrealistic expectation- often shaped by media, social comparison, or outdated ideas about what sex "should" look like.
Here’s the truth: your sex life will change. And that doesn’t mean it’s broken.
The amount of sex you’re having will likely shift over time, across seasons, even from week to week. And it’s not a red flag.
Some common reasons sex frequency fluctuates include:
Stress, burnout, and the mental load of daily life
Having a baby or raising small children
Menstrual cycles and hormonal changes
Mental health (including anxiety, depression)
Medications, especially antidepressants
Chronic illness or pain
Conflict or emotional distance
Work pressures and time constraints
Just being tired (you’re allowed to be tired!)
All of these things can impact desire- and that doesn’t mean your relationship is lacking. It means you’re human.
In the beginning, desire tends to be high. There’s novelty, risk, uncertainty, and the thrill of discovery. You don’t need to schedule sex- you’re practically crawling over each other.
But eventually, the honeymoon period ends- not because the love fades, but because the relationship deepens.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel says it beautifully:
"Love seeks closeness, but desire needs space. It thrives in mystery, in the unknown."
In other words, the very things that make a relationship feel secure (routine, familiarity, emotional safety) can sometimes dampen the erotic spark that feeds on tension and anticipation. That’s not failure. That’s reality.
More sex doesn’t automatically equal better connection.
Some couples have sex multiple times a week and still feel unfulfilled, disconnected, or bored.
Other couples have sex twice a year- but it’s deeply satisfying, playful, and full of connection. And they’re happy.
Frequency Doesn’t Tell the Whole Story: Satisfaction Does
So instead of asking how often you’re having sex, consider asking:
Does it feel good- physically, emotionally, relationally?
Do we feel close and connected afterward?
Is there room for communication, play, exploration?
Do we both feel seen, desired, and safe?
It’s not about quantity- it’s about quality, mutuality, and how it fits your relationship in this season of life.
You are not other couples. Your relationship is unique.
Comparing your sex life to someone else's (or to a version you’ve seen in movies or on social media) is a quick path to insecurity and disappointment.
You might be in a season of early parenthood, where sleep is rare and sex is... sporadic. Your friend might be in a stage of rediscovery after a career change, and sex is flowing again. These are different lives, different bodies, different realities.
The only comparison that matters is:
Is our sex life working for us right now?
Here’s another truth: even in loving, connected partnerships, your libidos won’t always line up.
You might be overwhelmed at work and juggling school drop-offs while your partner’s libido is flourishing. Or you may feel a strong desire for intimacy while they’re navigating low mood or stress.
It can be frustrating. And it’s also normal.
Desire isn’t static. It ebbs and flows. Communicating with kindness, curiosity, and zero blame can help you stay connected even when you’re not “in sync.”
It’s easy to shut down when sex slows- to avoid the conversation, or let resentment bubble under the surface. But that usually causes more distance, not less.
Instead, try gentle check-ins. Talk outside the bedroom. Share how you’re feeling. Without shame or pressure. Ask your partner what they need to feel connected or desired.
And remember: there’s no right number. What matters is how it feels for you, as a couple.
There’s no universal “correct” frequency of sex. There’s only what works for you- right now, in this body, in this season of life.
Let go of the pressure to perform or to “keep up.” Embrace the fact that your sex life will grow and shift- just like your relationship does. It’s not about ticking boxes. It’s about creating a space that feels honest, satisfying, and yours.
Because real sex lives aren’t movie scenes.
They’re messy, changing, imperfect, and deeply human.
And they’re worth talking about.
By Kiara Sasha
